Post-Cliffie Chapter Update Does Not Tell Us What Happens Next = Major Fic Faux Pas

You may remember an earlier rant, "Long Time Between Updates + Update only gives second POV = Major Fic Faux Pas".  In this second installment of my Fic Faux Pas rant series I bring you yet another.  This rant, of course, was brought on by a recent chapter update I read for a dearly-anticipated fic.  The prior chapter had left the reader with a little cliffie, so you can imagine my chagrin at finding that instead of telling the reader what happens next in the story, the entire update was A FLASHBACK!!

Listen, people.  I write fic.  I know that a well-conceived story requires more than plot.  I know that good character development often necessitates character back story, and flashbacks are one way to show that.  Here's the thing, though:  there is a time and a place for flashbacks, and that time is not right after a cliffie.  And if you have the audacity to place a flashback right after a cliffie, the end of the chapter had better come back to the present and deliver substantial plot progression.

So, here's a PSA for all the little girls who think it's fun to play with cliffies:  playing with cliffies is like playing with fire, and when you play with fire you get burnt.  If you're going to use a cliffhanger to build suspense, show that you know what you're doing:

1. Relieve the tension in a timely fashion--no one likes a tease
2. Make the resolution satisfying (i.e., don't use a cliffhanger as an empty device that ultimately fakes the reader out a la 80's show "Dallas").  Only a well-resolved cliffhanger will make the reader feel the update was worth waiting for.
3. Use cliffhangers sparingly, and alongside other mechanisms that build dramatic tension.  In some ways, cliffhangers limit authors while a slow burn gives more license for authors to tell the story the way they want

That is all.

Oh, Golden Lemon Awards, thank you for understanding that "Best Lemon" just isn't good enough...

Thank God for Twitter.  If not for the big T how would I have found out about The Golden Lemon Awards?  Now, it looks like this is its first go-round for these awards, but I can already tell they will be totally perv-tastic.  How do I know this?  Because it is asking fans to nominate lemony award categories they'd like to see as a precursor to nominating fic!

Dirty girl that I am, I have already suggested several categories.  The last one is my favorite and I hope it gets picked up:

• Best dirty talk
• Best use of a sparkle peen
• Best vampire + human lemon
• Best gang-bang
• Best cum-shot
• Best sexification of an unsexy character ::cough*Esme*cough::
• Best lemony diversion on a canon moment
• Lemony fic scene you'd pay good money to join

So, friends, go forth and nominate all the lemony categories you'd like to see!  But not before sharing with all of us which categories will you suggest!

Art of Worship Chapter 5 Teaser

I secretly fangirl all over Ms. Kathy, and this teaser is for her.  I am having a lot of trouble with the last-last-last part of this chapter, which is why it hasn't posted, but a little taste won't hurt...

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CPOV

“Sleep, my love,” I whispered to Esme with a smooth of her hair and a kiss to her brow, though her whine of protest implored me to stay.

I’d loved her thoroughly (if not relentlessly) for each of the three nights and two mornings she’d been back home and I knew my wife was tired.  Wanting nothing more than to drift off with her, I lingered for a moment hoping I’d hear Edward’s engine coming up the drive.  But he wasn’t due home yet, and if I stayed in bed I’d fall asleep, and one of us always made sure the kids got home alright.  Tucking the covers around her after I slipped out of bed, I blew the candles out and gave her a final kiss.

I washed up a little and picked up the room, saving Esme the trouble of doing it in the morning.  After slipping on striped gray silk pajama pants and a fitted v-neck undershirt, I quietly exited our room.  Closing the door behind me, I strode toward the stairs, my footfalls silent on thick carpet.  Just as I reached the top of the steps, I heard Edward walk inside.

I watched my son as he closed himself in and fell back against the door.  His eyes were closed, his mouth curved in a crooked grin and he let out an indulgent sigh.  I smiled a little smile of my own.

Looks like we both got some tonight.

“Did you and Bella get in some good studying?” I asked, taking to my descent of the stairs.

I didn’t bother hiding my smirk, so he didn’t bother lying.  Deepening the angle of his grin as he slowly opened his eyes, he just shook his head.

“But, I take it you kids had fun, whatever you did.” 

His eyes had followed me to the foot of the stairs. 

“Dad, I think I’m in love.”

His expression was still dreamy, and I could only chuckle.

“I thought we’d already established that.”

“Not just with Bella, dad.  I’ve been reading that book you gave me.  I’ve been practicing what it says.”

“And?”

He didn’t even find it in him to blush.

“And, I can’t stop licking her pussy.”

Facebook Friends Chapter 14 Teaser

BPOV (teaser begins mid-scene)


...but now was the time, and Edward deserved the truth and, for him, I’d put it all on the line.

Speaking of putting things on the line…

I glanced in wonder at the boom box by my side. It had taken only an hour to find it in my Dad’s garage but a full four to track down something appropriate on cassette. I’d had the whole ride to Port Angeles to sort through my mental music files and pick out the perfect song.

I hit two vintage stores that I knew sold tapes, but found nothing that remotely fit, much less the one song I was looking for. Half an hour at an internet café and zero leads later, I was stuck with the tape that sat in the player. Before I had to resort to scanning the first tape of the “Freedom Rock” album for appropriate songs, I tried Freecycle and E-Bay local as a last-ditch attempt, hoping some random Port Angelite had what I wanted. I nearly fainted when I saw that the tape that I wanted was on auction for only $2.75.

Holy shit, it’s at Plastic Fantastic.

I raced there as fast as my truck would take me. Wet, frantic and no-doubt looking just a little scary, I made a beeline for the register.

“Hey, you’re Cullen’s girl!”

I had never been so happy to see the caught-in-a-time-warp hippie.

“Thank God you remember me,” I breathed, practically collapsing in relief on the glass display case counter. “Listen, I screwed up with Edward. I need to get him back. And I think you have something that could help.”

I elaborated, telling him about the boom box and my crisis of lack of tape.

“Righteous plan, babe! Very “Say Anything”—but are you sure you got the right song? What about “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” or “Can’t Fight This Feeling?”” He waggled his eyes conspiratorially. “A little REO Speedwagon never hurt.”

“I don’t know…” I hedged.

“Ooh! I got it!” he exclaimed triumphantly, snapping a soulful finger and breaking into song. “I wanna take a little time…a little time to think things over…I better read between the lines…in case I need it when I’m older…”

Grabbing an unseen guitar from behind the counter and switching into the right key, he wailed into the chorus to “I Wanna Know What Love Is”.  Ready to burst into tears from the kind of day I was having, I stood there helplessly and let him finish the song. When he broke out of his reverie, he refocused on me. My face must’ve given it away.

“No?” he asked, wincing.

I just shook my head. He disappeared for a moment and returned with my tape.

“Then this is on me, babe--not that you need it. Cullen’s totally in love.”

* * * * *

And there's your spoiler, folks.  Chapter 14 has been difficult to finalize and is on its third iteration.  Thanks a lot for your patience.  I expect the full chapter out (as well as outtakes with the stuff that was going in earlier versions of the chapter) to be posted well before the weekend :)

Teaser: Centuries of Practice (CxB One-Shot)

This fic is an AU inspired by the blatant UST between Carlisle and Bella in the film rendition of New Moon (don’t pretend you didn’t catch it—they were practically eating each other in the “stitching” scene in Carlisle’s study). It is currently in beta with mabarberella and you can thank SassenachWench for encouraging me to write it. It should post some time before the end of the weekend. Enjoy the teaser, and put me on author alert if you like it! :)

Title: Centuries of Practice

Rating: NC-17

Characters: Carlisle, Bella

Summary: Of three things I was absolutely certain. First, I got off on licking Isabella Swan. Second, some part of her—I wasn’t sure how prominent that part—got off on it too. And third, if that girl didn’t stop showing up alone in my study, she was going to find herself rightly and thoroughly fucked.

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Setting: In the study, right after Carlisle finishes stitching her as a result of the Jasper debacle

Context: Bella has asked whether he can give her something for the pain


CPOV

“There is one other thing that might help…”

Her eyes as she studied me—cautious, but open—proved her instincts were sharp.

“As long as it’s not something weird…like acupuncture.”

I laughed, but she didn’t. Bella didn’t totally grasp that she was funny.

“It’s not acupuncture, but you might find it strange.”

She raised an eyebrow and admitted a dry “I’m intrigued.”

“I could use my venom.”

Her eyes widened in shock. It figured that she didn’t know.

“In trace amounts, vampire venom greatly accelerates the healing of human injuries.”

Her eyes registered something close to humiliation as they once again flew to the floor.

“Edward always told me venom is dangerous to humans. He never told me—“

There’s a lot Edward doesn’t tell you.

“Your blood sings to him, Bella. He may shy away from healing your scrapes and bruises because he fears even a little taste.”

She brought her fingers up to run them through her hair.

“So if you lick my cut…” she began carefully as she sought my eyes, “…what, exactly, will happen?”

I will savor your exquisite taste.

“The venom will anaesthetize some of the pain while helping to close the wound.”

Hesitation featured on her face, and I knew why she was conflicted. She saw me as Edward’s father and the idea of me licking her probably creeped her out.

If she only knew…

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