Art of Worship Chapter 5 Teaser

I secretly fangirl all over Ms. Kathy, and this teaser is for her.  I am having a lot of trouble with the last-last-last part of this chapter, which is why it hasn't posted, but a little taste won't hurt...

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CPOV

“Sleep, my love,” I whispered to Esme with a smooth of her hair and a kiss to her brow, though her whine of protest implored me to stay.

I’d loved her thoroughly (if not relentlessly) for each of the three nights and two mornings she’d been back home and I knew my wife was tired.  Wanting nothing more than to drift off with her, I lingered for a moment hoping I’d hear Edward’s engine coming up the drive.  But he wasn’t due home yet, and if I stayed in bed I’d fall asleep, and one of us always made sure the kids got home alright.  Tucking the covers around her after I slipped out of bed, I blew the candles out and gave her a final kiss.

I washed up a little and picked up the room, saving Esme the trouble of doing it in the morning.  After slipping on striped gray silk pajama pants and a fitted v-neck undershirt, I quietly exited our room.  Closing the door behind me, I strode toward the stairs, my footfalls silent on thick carpet.  Just as I reached the top of the steps, I heard Edward walk inside.

I watched my son as he closed himself in and fell back against the door.  His eyes were closed, his mouth curved in a crooked grin and he let out an indulgent sigh.  I smiled a little smile of my own.

Looks like we both got some tonight.

“Did you and Bella get in some good studying?” I asked, taking to my descent of the stairs.

I didn’t bother hiding my smirk, so he didn’t bother lying.  Deepening the angle of his grin as he slowly opened his eyes, he just shook his head.

“But, I take it you kids had fun, whatever you did.” 

His eyes had followed me to the foot of the stairs. 

“Dad, I think I’m in love.”

His expression was still dreamy, and I could only chuckle.

“I thought we’d already established that.”

“Not just with Bella, dad.  I’ve been reading that book you gave me.  I’ve been practicing what it says.”

“And?”

He didn’t even find it in him to blush.

“And, I can’t stop licking her pussy.”

Facebook Friends Chapter 14 Teaser

BPOV (teaser begins mid-scene)


...but now was the time, and Edward deserved the truth and, for him, I’d put it all on the line.

Speaking of putting things on the line…

I glanced in wonder at the boom box by my side. It had taken only an hour to find it in my Dad’s garage but a full four to track down something appropriate on cassette. I’d had the whole ride to Port Angeles to sort through my mental music files and pick out the perfect song.

I hit two vintage stores that I knew sold tapes, but found nothing that remotely fit, much less the one song I was looking for. Half an hour at an internet café and zero leads later, I was stuck with the tape that sat in the player. Before I had to resort to scanning the first tape of the “Freedom Rock” album for appropriate songs, I tried Freecycle and E-Bay local as a last-ditch attempt, hoping some random Port Angelite had what I wanted. I nearly fainted when I saw that the tape that I wanted was on auction for only $2.75.

Holy shit, it’s at Plastic Fantastic.

I raced there as fast as my truck would take me. Wet, frantic and no-doubt looking just a little scary, I made a beeline for the register.

“Hey, you’re Cullen’s girl!”

I had never been so happy to see the caught-in-a-time-warp hippie.

“Thank God you remember me,” I breathed, practically collapsing in relief on the glass display case counter. “Listen, I screwed up with Edward. I need to get him back. And I think you have something that could help.”

I elaborated, telling him about the boom box and my crisis of lack of tape.

“Righteous plan, babe! Very “Say Anything”—but are you sure you got the right song? What about “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” or “Can’t Fight This Feeling?”” He waggled his eyes conspiratorially. “A little REO Speedwagon never hurt.”

“I don’t know…” I hedged.

“Ooh! I got it!” he exclaimed triumphantly, snapping a soulful finger and breaking into song. “I wanna take a little time…a little time to think things over…I better read between the lines…in case I need it when I’m older…”

Grabbing an unseen guitar from behind the counter and switching into the right key, he wailed into the chorus to “I Wanna Know What Love Is”.  Ready to burst into tears from the kind of day I was having, I stood there helplessly and let him finish the song. When he broke out of his reverie, he refocused on me. My face must’ve given it away.

“No?” he asked, wincing.

I just shook my head. He disappeared for a moment and returned with my tape.

“Then this is on me, babe--not that you need it. Cullen’s totally in love.”

* * * * *

And there's your spoiler, folks.  Chapter 14 has been difficult to finalize and is on its third iteration.  Thanks a lot for your patience.  I expect the full chapter out (as well as outtakes with the stuff that was going in earlier versions of the chapter) to be posted well before the weekend :)

Teaser: Centuries of Practice (CxB One-Shot)

This fic is an AU inspired by the blatant UST between Carlisle and Bella in the film rendition of New Moon (don’t pretend you didn’t catch it—they were practically eating each other in the “stitching” scene in Carlisle’s study). It is currently in beta with mabarberella and you can thank SassenachWench for encouraging me to write it. It should post some time before the end of the weekend. Enjoy the teaser, and put me on author alert if you like it! :)

Title: Centuries of Practice

Rating: NC-17

Characters: Carlisle, Bella

Summary: Of three things I was absolutely certain. First, I got off on licking Isabella Swan. Second, some part of her—I wasn’t sure how prominent that part—got off on it too. And third, if that girl didn’t stop showing up alone in my study, she was going to find herself rightly and thoroughly fucked.

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Setting: In the study, right after Carlisle finishes stitching her as a result of the Jasper debacle

Context: Bella has asked whether he can give her something for the pain


CPOV

“There is one other thing that might help…”

Her eyes as she studied me—cautious, but open—proved her instincts were sharp.

“As long as it’s not something weird…like acupuncture.”

I laughed, but she didn’t. Bella didn’t totally grasp that she was funny.

“It’s not acupuncture, but you might find it strange.”

She raised an eyebrow and admitted a dry “I’m intrigued.”

“I could use my venom.”

Her eyes widened in shock. It figured that she didn’t know.

“In trace amounts, vampire venom greatly accelerates the healing of human injuries.”

Her eyes registered something close to humiliation as they once again flew to the floor.

“Edward always told me venom is dangerous to humans. He never told me—“

There’s a lot Edward doesn’t tell you.

“Your blood sings to him, Bella. He may shy away from healing your scrapes and bruises because he fears even a little taste.”

She brought her fingers up to run them through her hair.

“So if you lick my cut…” she began carefully as she sought my eyes, “…what, exactly, will happen?”

I will savor your exquisite taste.

“The venom will anaesthetize some of the pain while helping to close the wound.”

Hesitation featured on her face, and I knew why she was conflicted. She saw me as Edward’s father and the idea of me licking her probably creeped her out.

If she only knew…

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What is the best non-Twilight performance of a Twilight star?

A simple look at IMDB proves that the list of our favorite Twi-stars other performances is long. In my search for a little Twi-star love to tide me over until Eclipse, I hardly know what movies to pick.

Sure, IMDB tells you whether they were in the movie, but they don't give you other essentials, like how much screen time did they get? How many lines did they have? Did their character wear many clothes? Was there any frontal nudity? Were there any sex or masturbation scenes?

And, after New Moon, I am feeling a little squicky about my Puma-ish reaction to Taylor and potentially other twi-stars if I see movies where they were really young (I am writing nas-tay versions of fic Bella, mind you--it kind of makes me want to stay away from Panic Room.)

All that said, I want your recs. What must-see prior works do you recommend? If they happen to involve The Peach I'd be A-OK with that. Mabarberella already gave me one today :)

Long Time Between Updates + Update Only Gives Second POV = Major Fic Faux Pas

Now, you know I don't like to rant (::cough::bullshit::cough::) but I've decided to start a new series to be lovingly referred to as "Fic Faux Pas". I'm not malicious--I won't mention any fic by name or make any obvious allusions--rather, I will give authors some pointers on a few things that would help we readers love them even more. Now, it might seem, at times like I'm giving authors quite a spanking, but someone needs to advocate for us, the reader! Authors, this is hurting me more than it's hurting you, but I'm spanking you for your own good.

Read and learn:

Long Time Between Updates + Update Only Gives Second POV = Major Fic Faux Pas

If I love your story but if you write like molasses I need the next part to give me more. More, not as in same stuff, different character. More, as in more of the story. And, when I say story, I mean plot. If I have waited a long time, what I want to know most is what will happen next.

One more thing:

If you pull this after a big cliffie, don't even fucking talk to me. I hate you. At least for awhile.

But, love and hate are parallel emotions, and I hate you only because I love you. I love you so much that I want everything you have to give me. But, then it's like "why are you holding out?" I am filled with joy when I get your update in my box, but when I don't find out what happens next, it's all just a tease.

There are some exceptions:

People who update frequently are exempt. Kind of.

If you're posting twice a week, I don't really mind. Though, in general I don't think most authors do a great job of pulling off same scene/different character, but that is a rant for another time.

So that's it chicadees. But I'm curious to know--what rants are you storing up? Drop me a line and tell me your fic faux pas!

What fic finds you nestled all snug in your bed while visions of Carlisles and Edwards dance in your head?

It's Bellie and Eddie time, folks. And the Winter 2010 round has something new and brilliant: "Story that Haunts Your Dreams". This is a category dedicated to fic that pwns you so hard you have to read it again. And again. And again. A fic that hurts so good you can't stop thinking about it, not even in your sleep.

I rarely go back and read entire fics (especially since I'm into a lot of lonnnng multi-chapters), but I certainly go back for individual chapters and scenes. When I think of who I will nominate for this category, here is a list of juicies that definitely haunts my dreams:

Over the Top by Starfish 422: I have read the Jasper topping Edward scene, like, ten times
Just One Day by Sassenach Wench: I would expose myself as an incurable perv if I told you how many times I read the CxB scene near the beginning the ExBxJ scene later on. HAWT!!
The Hummer by Mabarberella: Since it's a one-shot, I reread this one in its entirety. To date, I have done so thrice. Did I mention I only found it a couple of weeks ago?
Bittersweet Symphony by I'mwiththevampires08: Read the Truth or Dare scene too many times to count
What I Failed to Realize by BeautifulFigment: I have actually gone back and reread this whole fic, paying special attention to the JxE basement scene, of course
Clipped Wings and Inked Armor by hunterhunting: If you're reading it, you know which scene ;)
The Office by tby789: The La Perla scene and the car-in-the-parking garage scene, among others. Yeah, baby!
Definition by RosaleeLorraine: This sent me to bed with a smile last night, and I was still smiling about it this morning. Which is saying a lot, since there haven't even been any lemons yet.

Now it's your turn. What fic finds you nestled all snug in your bed while visions of Carlisles and Edwards dance in your head?

New Moon Premiere: Time To Represent

Do you remember when you were little and your mom was taking you somewhere exciting (like the circus), how she'd make you take an extra nap?  She knew that between the place she was taking you and your excitement over that place, without a nap you'd tire yourself out.  But then, do you remember how you didn't want to take a nap, even though you knew you needed one, because the place you were going was so heart-poundingly exciting you couldn't settle down enough to sleep?  New Moon is my circus.  Today is the day.  And I am so f*ing excited.

The plan:

9:00PM- Be jealous of east coast people, who are already watching the movie

10:15PM- Pick up decaf w/hazelnut from Peet's

10:30PM- Show up at local theater (which is showing it on 13 screens at 12:01AM).  Brave maddened crowds.

10:35PM-10:45PM- Glare at Team Jacob bitches while preening in my Team Edward t-shirt.  Quickly get over myself

11:20PM- Ask fans I have by now made friends with in line to hold my spot while I buy an enormous tub of popcorn.  Offer to pick them up some sour patch kids

11:55PM- Head into IMAX theater where a special lens will allow the film to be shown 2x larger

12:10AM- Scream my head off when the previews are over and New Moon starts.

12:30AM- Wipe at my eyes with a hankie when Edward leaves Bella alone in the woods

12:55AM- Secretly like it when Jacob takes off his shirt and secretly not be ashamed that I am old enough to be his mother

1:45AM- Cream over Protectward as he saves his woman!

2:45AM- Back home, fall into a blissful sleep

So...what's your plan?

Five Fic Friday - 11-13-09

Sometimes it's slim pickin's but this week was a great week. I discovered five fics that are pwning me hard. So hard, in fact that I may have frightened a few of the authors with some over the top fangirling. That's what they get for writing such awesome fic...

The Hummer by mabarbarella (vamp, twist on canon, CxB, NC-17/M, oneshot): I can't tell you the plot without revealing spoilers you'll want to read on your own, but here is what I will say: it is a completely credible Carlisle x Bella, perhaps the only one I have ever seen. They Cullens are vampires and Bella is still human. It goes A/U somewhere near the end of Eclipse. Beyond the credible plot is a smoking hot lemon. The first time I read this (yes, it was so hot I read it twice) I had to stop a few times to remember myself :)

Immersion by katmom (vamp, AU, E/B, NC-17, WIP): In this amazingly-written twist on canon, Bella is a member of the Cullen vampire coven and Edward is a "human at large". Same premise as Twilight--the Cullens return to forks to attend high school, but instead of Bella recognizing Edward as her singer, katmom takes the "imprinting" concept and has Bella and Edward both imprint on one another. She comes up with an ingenious way (which I won't reveal) to show what it feels like to be half of an imprinted pair. The thing I love most about this fic is how she writes their emotions and, again, provides a totally credible AU. Right now, it's 4 chapters in, but it will only be 6 chapters long(that's another thing I love about this fic--katmom is a totally effective storyteller, and she doesn't need 100,000 words to do it). No lemons so far, just a few limes. But the limes are really sweet :)

Shoots and Ladders by heelstominivan and NaughtySparkle(AU/AH, ExJ, NC-17/M, one-shot): Submitted to the For the Love of Jasper contest, in this fic, Jasper is a fireman (now, stop and think about that; visualize sweaty, sooty-faced Jasper fighting fires). Add Edward to the mix (yeah, stop and visualize that, too). He's the fire chief and Jasper's boss, and though they have to work as a team to save lives, they don't get along. But, friendship and sex are often unrelated--so just because they hate each other doesn't mean they don't fuck. There are two *panty-soaking* lemons in this little ditty. Final note: the authors are totally underrated, so if you read this, leave those girls some love. And ask for a sequel! The contest is over, and I'd love to see more of this one.

Controlled Burn by staceygirl aka jackbauer (AU/AH, ExB, T, WIP): Speaking of someone I've been fangirling hard, here's another one by staceygirl. I rec'd "Unspoken" last week and only after visiting her author page did I notice she wrote several other fic. I gave Controlled Burn a try, and I am completely hooked, which says a lot since I am a smut-ster and this is rated T. In this fic, Bella is Alice's best friend and Edward is Alice's little brother (and some 7 years Bella's junior). Yet, instead of a "love at first sight" type of plot where they fall in love immediately as legal adults and deal with the age difference, staceygirl shows us a much richer history--one in which Edward's boyhood crush on Bella grows into a very adult love for her, and one in which Bella comes to see Edward as a man. Extremely sweet, astonishingly well-written, not too angsty, and she gives us several great outtakes.

The Naked Guy Upstairs by Angry Badger Girl (AU/AH, ExB, NC-17/M, WIP): I know I said I'd try to focus FFF on hidden gems, and this one's pretty well-known. It was so what I needed on my crusade for fic that wouldn't make me cry or spiral into a deep depression, that I had to rec it. It has an intriguing plot, strong writing, light angst and high lemons. Edward and Bella are neighbors who start a friends with benefits arrangement. Things get complicated when it becomes more than an arrangement and since it's still a WIP that aspect has not yet been completely dealt with. I love her interpretation of the ExB characters, and of course it is quite funny.

Plot Summaries That Are Like Kryptonite to Me and Characterizations I Never Need to See Again

While hanging out on the Twilighted forums, a thread called “What am I doing wrong? How to get reviews” caught my eye. The title is self-explanatory, and a bunch of authors started weighing in on the topic. In my comment I said a bit about how I will only read fic with an original plot, and will only comment if I feel like I’m seeing something new, and I gave examples of fic I would refuse to read, based on the summary alone.

My moment on the thread has come and gone, but I still have a bee in my bonnet about played out themes and plots. It’s not that there aren’t tons of well-written fics that use plots that now repel me—my thing is, I can only read the same story so many times. Take vjgm’s “Boycotts and Barflies”. Hers was the first. Yet, how many subsequent fic do we see where all three girls are roommates and best friends and they start dating all three guys, who are roommates and best friends? I know that in B&B, Edward lives alone, but you understand what I mean :)

Same thing for In a Blue Bathrobe’s “Tropic of Virgo” and tby789’s “The Office”. They are my first, my last, and my everything in terms of band and workplace romance fics (alright, “Trust in Advertising” is, too but I didn’t want to fangirl too much over vjgm). Nobody could write an Edward more beautiful and bastardly than Christina, or a shy would-be rock star like IaBB’s Bella. How about Ninapolitan’s “The Bella Swan Diaries”? It was the first and best of its kind. So, why, after all of these unbeatable fics, do tons of people pop up with the same plot?

Five plot summaries that have been done so well before that they are now like kryptonite to me are:

1. "E is a hot-shot bad boy who changes his manwhoring ways once he meets B"
2. “B is or was in a safe but unfulfilling relationship with J or M. Can she find true love with E?”
3. "E is a scared little boy masquerading as a mega-asshole and only B can get through to him"
4. “B is going through a dry spell and girlfriends A and R intervene to jump-start B’s dating life. Socially retarded B meets E and is only able to land him with A’s and R’s help”
5. “B is recovering from a trauma and fears she will never be able to love again…until she meets E”

Five characterizations that used to be cool but that I never need to see again:

1. Edward is Bella’s boss and she is some kind of assistant (hello, why can’t he be her assistant? I hate this characterization so much that I have seriously considered writing a fic where she’s the boss)
2. The whole crew is in a band together (seriously, it’s getting a little “Partridge Family” in fic-land)
3. Bella/Edward/Anyone is a student at NYU (most people don’t attend NYU. Trust me, I have the inside scoop on this one. And isn’t Bella really more of a Barnard girl, anyway?)
4. Dr. Edward (It is usually not essential to the story, so why are so many Edwards a doctor?)
5. Fashion designer Alice

P.S. I am aware that my fic is guilty of at least two of the aforementioned transgressions. At least I tricked the readers in to making it seem like it was about something else. See how important summaries are?

Anyway, what’s like kryptonite to you?

Five Fic Fridays (one day early)

I'll spend most of tomorrow in airports and on planes, so I'm releasing this a few days early. For those of you who missed last week's intro, I'll be rec'ing my favorite finds every Friday. The focus is on a combination of must-reads and hidden gems, and I'll make deliberate attempts to stay away from fic I suspect everyone knows. Since I'm new to the fandom, not all my fic recs will be new, but I can promise they'll all be really good :) Here's what I read and loved this week:

Wood by Algonquinrt (AU/AH,ExC,M,one-shot): The review I left about this one says it all: "Hells. Fucking. Yeah! What a hot one-shot. Carlisle + Edward = Mmmmmm". It was a D.I.L.F. contest entry, and Edward and Carlisle are both dads, Edward Bella's gay best friend and father of daughter Alice, Carlisle the divorced dad of Jasper. Carlisle moves into the neighborhood and the attraction is instant. I won't spoil the plot, but I will say this: I really liked the ending :)

Unspoken by stayceygirl aka jackbauer (AU/AH,JxB,M,one-shot): There's something I love about the idea of Jasper/Bella, but many I have come across are all smut, no story. This one is rich with plot and character and UST, and it is deliciously bittersweet. Bella and Jasper meet on the first day of college and are instant best friends. They stay close, but hide from one another for that they were each secretly in love. The fic culminates years later when they meet again and reveal their former crushes. The central question surrounds whether they'll abandon their lives for one another or let the past stay in the past.

Portrait of a Girl by Zors (AU/AH,ExB,M): This fic has a GREAT original plot. Teenage Bella is poor but smart and wants to "educate" her way out of Forks. The only good school is a private boys school, so Bella applies for (and wins) an exclusie fellowship but must pose as a boy to attend. Known as "Ben", she befriends Edward, and the predicted attraction is there. Bella struggles with how to rein it in and Edward struggles to make sense of his strange attraction to another guy. Meanwhile, Bella is not exactly proficient at being a boy yet, so there is tension (and humor) around her doing things like stuffing her pants, figuring out how to adjust her man-meat, and dealing with her period. Refreshingly, you have not read a story like this in the Twilight fandom before.

The Hills of Twilight by Melissa228, antiaol, tarasueme, and ScarlettLetters (AU/AH,mostly canon,M): This one's pretty well-known, but it's new-ish and too good not to rec. I don't watch The Hills, so I only have a vague idea of the reference, but "The Real Housewies of Twilight" and "Desperate Housewies" also fits. In this fic, the four women are wealthy stay-at-home wives living on a cul de sac in an elite gated community (canon pairings, except Bella is married to James). A former neighbor who has since moved away kept a diary of the neighbors' exploits and scandals--a diary newcomer Dr. Edward finds when he moves into the former neighbor's house. The strongest theme is that most characters have life-shattering secrets--you will *die* when you read what some of them are. Simple plot, but suspenseful, well-written, and fun. Another redeeming quality: I love their characterization of Esme.

Bright Like the Sun by Dryler (AU/AH,BxE,M): It begins with an AH interpretation of Edward saving Bella from the parking lot accident. Human Edward dives in and pushes them both out of the way and, in doing so, breaks Bella's arm. She can't drive with a broken arm and needs someone to take her to school, and Edward steps up to the task. A sub-plot, that Edward and all the cullens are allergic to sunlight, explains why human Cullens would be so antisocial. It's a classic tale of Bella discovering that misunderstood Edward is not what he seems. What makes it different is its lack of angst, its great use of humor (Carlisle is *hilarious*), and an Edward I love (e.g., acerbic wit, sweet, funny, shy). I know the title sounds kind of serious, but give it a try. It's nothing like Dryler's other (awesome, but very different one) Ethan Church.

So, what's pwning you this week? I need something good to read on the plane :)

Is stealing a life-size cut-out of Edward a felony or misdemeanor?

I am a 30 year old woman, a productive member of society. If you saw me on the street you would think I was sane. I have never been in trouble with the law--never even had a moving violation, much less been arrested. I thought my status as a fine, upstanding citizen was more or less set in stone. Until today when I came dangerously close to learning whether theft is a felony or misdemeanor.

I blame the life-size cutout of Edward, of course. He snuck up from out of the blue. That he was in black and white and one-dimensional only made him slightly less of a fox. He was taller than me (and I am tall) and he wore that sexy hot smirk. He wore a shiny black suit that fit him "just so". It made me blush like Bella.

But let me back up. This all happened at Nordstrom. In case you didn't get the memo, they have an entire New Moon clothing line. I myself didn't get the memo until this morning, when I was innocently walking by the teen section en route to more age-appropriate wear. I was lured in by a prominently displayed "Team Edward" t-shirt, and from there I started to browse. That's where I came across the life-sized Edward and Jacob. That's where I stood momentarily frozen in awe. That's when my mind immediately started scheming on how I could sneak it out the door and get it home.

Thankfully, I remembered myself, which doesn't mean I'm not willing to break the law to procure a life-sized Edward, only that I now have a plan. I'm not above finding out when the display will break down and snaking it before it hits the dumpster :) Plus, I could probably use the time to condition my husband to the idea of an Edward in our bedroom.

(Aside: also in the New Moon section at my Nordstrom are a lot of plaid flannel shirts. They're kind of girly but kind of frumpy, like the ones Bella wore in Twilight. For some reason, I found this *hilarous*)

And there's a semi-happy ending. I'd been wanting a "Team Edward" t-shirt (which, by the way FAR outnumbered the tucked-away "Team Jacob" ones) and I bought a little brick-colored one I'd been admiring online. And I figured I'd blog about it so I took a picture with my Blackberry so I can remember my paper Edward 'till we meet again :)

So what about you? You can tell us. What's the *craziest* thing you'e ever done for Twilight?

Fic Rationing: Updates That Are Too Good To Read

Do you ever get an update for fic so sweet, an update you've been waiting for so long, an update you know will pwn you so hard that you can't f-ing read it? I don't know whether this happens to you, but it happens to me. A lot.

I'll bet some of you might be surprised to know that right now, as I write these words, an update for "Rabbit Hole" by ProfMom, "Irritable Grizzly Adams" by Caligula42 and (don't hit me) "Ithaca Is Gorges" by Giselle-lx are sitting in my Unread Fic folder, untouched. They're not sitting there because I don't love them--they're sitting there because I love them so much that being without the next chapter hurts my heart.

Sure, "Clipped Wings and Inked Armor" by hunterhunting rocks my world, but I read it the second it hits my box because I know another update will be coming within days. But, with some of the other fics, fics that don't update as regularly, I feel like I have to make them last. So I let them sit for awhile, hopefully to soften the blow and shorten the window of time between the chapter-end cliffhanger and the update. An update that I will, ironically, let sit in my box for days. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes.

So, I want to know. Do you ration your fic?

Introducing Five Fic Fridays

I read fic every day. Awesome fic. Fic that doesn't make it on my "Fic I Stalk My Box For" list, not because it doesn't rock, but for various other reasons (e.g., they are one-shots, they are complete, or because the list would be very long if I maintained a complete list of every fic that is pwning me!)

Enter Five Fic Fridays. Every Friday, I'll let you in on five fics that I started or finished reading that week that made me love being a fic fiend. Some will be new, many will be older, but all of them will be fics I read and reviewed that week. Here are this week's picks:

Definition by RosaleeLorraine (AU/AH/M/WIP): You may have noticed I tweeted about this once or twice :) IMO, this is one of the most underrated fics in the fandom. The plot is simple: Edward (a member of a successful band) comes across a deeply troubled letter tucked into a little nook on the band's tour bus. The letter reveals the hidden thoughts and feelings of a band mate who is clearly in trouble. Edward identifies with this mystery person, because he, too, feels misunderstood and alone and they begin to correspond via secret letter. This fic does an amazing job of conveying relationship, suspense, and emotion, all within the context of two people who never actually see or speak with each other (yet!). It is a well-crafted story and a delicious mindfuck :)

Breathe by Adair7 (AU/M/BxExJ/One-shot): Great little fic that speculates on how Jasper would really handle all of the UST between Bella and Edward, given his gift (or burden, depending how you look at it) of empathy. High-quality one shot with the twist of lemon you know I love!

The Baker's Magic Buns by ciaobella27 (AU/AH/Canon Pairings/One-shot): What if all our favorite Twilight characters were characters from a mother goose nursery rhyme? Better yet, what if Bella were the town shrink, helping all the characters in fairy tale land deal with their strange neuroses? This fic is fun and lighthearted, and maintains impressive fidelity to the fairy tale style. PERFECT if you've got the blues from reading too much angst.

Girl with a Red Umbrella (AU/AH/ExB/WIP) by Spanglemaker and Justaskalice: Call me crazy, but I figured if you put the authors of "Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry" and "Faking It" together, they'd come up with something pretty spectacular, and they did with GwaRU. It's set in Paris with an extremely convincing portrayal of the city (did I mention that I love Paris?). Bella drops everything to go there and search for Rose, her best friend from the U.S. who has mysteriously disappeared during her year studying abroad. Bella enlists the help of Rose's roommate (Alice) to solve the mystery. Edward is a painter who notices Bella from afar before they meet in a different setting.

Tie Me Down to This World by Struck Upon a Star (AU/AH/JxA): The recommendation on Twigasm (where I heard about this fic) was qualified with "Even if you don't usually read Jalice, you have to read this one." So I did, and it has been worth the ride. In this fic, Alice and Jasper are the victims of separate accidents and meet while recovering at the same rehab hospital. They are so severely injured that they are bedridden for months. Their beds are in neighboring rooms and they begin talking between the thin walls. This fic is angsty, because their accidents are surrounded by dark circumstances and because, while the "anonymous" friendship in the hospital is safe, the concept of a friendship in the outside world is threatening.

So...what are you reading this week?

Support Twilight Fandom Gives Back!

I know what you’re thinking: you can’t afford to give right now. Not when your investment accounts just took a double-digit nosedive. Not when you might lose (or have already lost) your job. Not when the future of the economy seems so uncertain.

Trust me—I feel your pain. My net worth is falling. I did get laid off. And, nowadays, I don’t even check my bank account without a stiff drink in one hand and a good mood in the other.

Here's the thing, though. There are people for whom a little bit of your money could go a long way. And if you have hours a week to read fanfic, while away time on Twitter, and read blogs and fan sites like mine, chances are you've got it pretty good.

Even if you can only give a little, even if childhood cancer has never touched your life, even if you have reached or surpassed your planned giving for 2009, please follow the leadership of Ninapolitan, Lolashoes and tby789, who are organizing Twifans everywhere to raise money for this great cause on behalf of our generous fandom!

To learn more about the cause, and to help the Twilight Fandom reach a $10,000 fundraising goal, visit the Twilight Fandom Gives Back page on the Alex's Lemonade Stand Foundation web site.

What passage, plot twist or literary crime in the Twilight Series do you absolutely love to hate?

Have you ever heard of anything so hilariously repulsive it made you pee your pants laughing and projectile vomit, all at the same time?

Two weeks ago, I was chatting with Sassenach Wench about the disaster that was "Breaking Dawn". She was graciously listening (again) to my requisite rant about how Stephenie Meyer should be stoned for her sorry excuse for a honeymoon scene, when SW reminded me of a passage so repulsive, so vile, so OOC, as to be uproarious and offensive and nauseating, all at once. She then pointed me to said passage, which appears on p. 723 in "Breaking Dawn" from Bella's point of view. Jacob is taking Renesmee to safety and Edward and Bella are saying goodbye:

"You're the only one I could ever trust her with," I murmured to him. "If you didn't love her so much, I could never bear this. I know you can protect her, Jacob."

He whined again, and dipped his head to butt it against my shoulder.

"I know," I whispered, "I love you too, Jake. You'll always be my best man."

A tear the size of a baseball rolled into the russet fur beneath his eye.

Edward leaned his head against the same shoulder where he'd placed Renesmee.

"Goodbye, Jacob, my brother...my son."

After I caught my breath from laughing, assured my husband that I wasn't having a seizure, and regained the ability to type, SW and I chatted on about the horrible--horrible--crimes of character and (what should have been) canon committed by SM.

The one above is my new favorite passage from the Twilight series that I love to hate. My question for you: what's yours?

Mayo Clinic's List of 8 Drug Addiction Symptoms says...I AM addicted to fic!

I have suspected for years now that I was addicted to fanfiction, but now that I've actually started a blog that depicts drug paraphernalia on the banner, I figured it couldn't hurt to find out for sure. I consulted the Mayo Clinic's List of 8 Drug Addiction Symptoms and here's how I stack up:

1. Feeling that you have to use the drug regularly — this can be daily or even several times a day (<--check)
2. Failing in your attempts to stop using the drug (<--check)
3. Making certain that you maintain a supply of the drug (<--check. That's what the "print" function on Twilighted is for. I don't go on vacation without printing at least 500 pages of fic to PDF)
4. Spending money on the drug even though you can't afford it (<--does reading fic when I should be looking for a job count?)
5. Doing things to obtain the drug that you normally wouldn't do, such as stealing (<--no stealing...but who knows what I would do if this shit wasn't free?)
6. Feeling that you need the drug to deal with your problems (<--check. When I read certain fics, all is right in the world)
7. Driving or doing other risky activities when you're under the influence of the drug (<--check. I never go for a drive longer than 20 minutes without at least one Twigasm podcast on my iPod)
8. Focusing more and more time and energy on getting and using the drug (<--double check!)

Alright, your turn. Stand up and tell us if you're an addict! And, don't be shy. We understand...

I love you, Rpattz--but, your hotness is circumstantial.

Is it any wonder, then, that I prefer Edward to you? Edward smells fantastic, is twenty kinds of sexy, speaks with that smooth, deep voice, and (based on what I've had to surmise given SM's borderline criminal omission of detail) is devastatingly well-hung.

Sure, your true eye color is much better than that of Edward. Your English accent is endearing, and you clean up real nice for photo shoots. But the hobo clothes and the unwashed mop? Not quite panty-droppers.

But, here's the real question--how do other guys pull off the hobo look while you (sorry to break it to you) fail?

I considered this question while chatting with helena_handbasket about something that's about to happen in a little BxE fic I'm writing. Bella and Edward are headed to a Foo Fighters show and she will find herself overwhelmed by the fuck-tastic hotness of being in the same room as Edward and Dave Grohl.

Dave Grohl...now that's a guy who can pull of the hobo look. Despite the flannel shirts and the fact that he doesn't shave sometimes for months it seems, he always manages to look clean and yum-diggety.

Maybe my blog followers can give you some pointers on sprucing yourself up a little? I know things with Kstew are hot and heavy now, but the honeymoon's gotta end at some point...

(hint to non-Rpattz readers, which means all of you: how is it that Dave Grohl pulls it off but Rob doesn't? Isn't it our duty as his fans to help him out?)

I remember the fic that turned me...

The year was 1998, I was 19 years old, and obsessed with Dawson's Creek. My first laptop--a little Toshiba for school--was as heavy as a brick. Instead of schlepping it to class or lugging it around the city, it stayed in my tiny apartment, on my bed. On a 56k modem connection, I surfed the (then-novel) internet with fascination, until one day, I found "Popcorn".

"Popcorn", by Kate Andrews, was the gold standard of Dawson's Creek fanfic. It had solid writing, smart dialog, and a simple, but engaging, plot. It successfully juggled love triangles, UST, and smut. It was well-portioned, each chapter giving enough to both satisfy and entice. Most importantly, it gave the hearts of the characters deserving redemption where the real show jumped the shark.

In the ten years that followed, I chased that first high through the only shows that held my interest. The West Wing gave me masterpieces by Candle Beck and Luna. Prison Break gave delicious naughties by Nika and Claire de Lune.

In February, a friend recommended The Twilight Series the night before I headed out on a month-long vacation. On her recommendation, I picked up Twilight at SFO. I was already so into it by the time I landed in Detroit, that I picked up New Moon at DTW. By the time my plane landed in Amsterdam some hours later, I was halfway through Twilight and knew I would blaze through New Moon. I paid a pretty Euro at AMS to own Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. I went on to finish all four in two weeks' time.

I know I'm not the only one who hated Stephenie Meyer's endings. IMO, the books jumped the shark somewhere during New Moon. After the lame honeymoon on Isle Esme and the vampire battle that didn't happen in Breaking Dawn, I ran--not walked--to find the fanfic.

So now I'm back to feeding my habit, my addiction strengthened by the quality of the drug. I invite you who are as far gone as I am to share your funnies, your recs, and tales of shameless addiction!

Green Puma (The Original Fic Fiend)